What About You?

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Hi there.

Been a while since I wrote. Well, the reason behind that is I have been busy participating in life ( a really futile task,to be honest). So in my last post I mentioned a dating experiment…well, scrap that. You know how you sometimes you try very hard and then you still get your heart broken because whatever you do is not enough? Or how the other person can just never provide you with the enough amount of attention or affection and you are left wondering if the other people he/she dated had no such demands. You keep on wondering if you are too high-maintenance or are you not normal? Well, I don’t know if it happens to you but for me, it is my dominant feeling.

What one needs to be happy, is to feel accepted. And what should one do when they can see the other person trying to change them to their convenience…you just let it happen? And how do you fight back or decide if this is something you want to resist against? What if the other person changes you so much that you do not even recognize yourself or know who you are? The most important question: What about YOU? Your needs?

Relationships are  a lot of work, in fact, too much work. Why spend so much time on something that may expire at any moment? One should rather work on oneself, gain knowledge, gather experience and enjoy the aesthetic pleasure of simplicities. Be selfish. Because that is the only way to ensure happiness, love yourself more than you love everyone else.

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The Crush Diaries: Episode four

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Read the previous post about another ridiculous romantic failure of yours truly. Here’s the link: The Crush Diaries: Episode three.

If you’ve read the previous episode, you know that it ended horribly. And the after effects haunted me till about the age of fifteen, and the depression makes a cameo now and then. After that tempest like year ended, I acted slightly different. No, I was definitely different. I still didn’t fit in, but I cared less. I even made some friends in those years, however, most of them ( except a rare few) are no longer a part of my life.

One of my friends was a classmate, the boy with “obsessive tendencies” who had a massive crush on my friend. When the school year of ridicule ended and we entered 9th grade, a few of us from that class remained together even after the shuffling. I didn’t really like him back then, he was a good student and I never spoke to him if it wasn’t absolutely necessary. But since we  were familiar to each other, we started conversing. Turned out that he was a pretty nice guy, fun to talk to. The sad part was that he was best friends with The Master of Ridicule ( the boy from episode three). And every foul thing said about me, would soon be revealed to mock me in the most scornful manner possible.

This was also the time I was selected as a junior prefect and my bus mate was selected as the Sports Captain.  I started crushing on him and my friends made such a glorious spectacle out of it. How joyful it was to be teased this way  (not). That crush faded as well. Soon came the end of 10th grade, on the last day of school, out of nowhere I heard that the friend who had previously been crushing on my other friend…now had a crush on me?

I downplayed it and tried to neutralize situation, trying my best to restore the normalcy. I still have no clue what actually happened. During the school break – after the exams were over- one of his friends had a chat with me on Facebook. He asked me if I liked anyone, and I said I didn’t. Because I actually hated most of my school population. Both of them texted me one day, we spoke about Sherlock Holmes, Doctor Who and other stuff. At the end of our convo, he/his friend declared that he “kinda” liked me.

The beginning of eleventh standard, the hooliganism that was directed previously at my pretty friend was now directed at me. With this, came unwanted attention and scrutiny. Endless teasing and mockery. That didn’t really matter to me, as long as the friendship he and I had remained untainted. But that wasn’t meant to be, people started saying mean things about me, things which may seem like silly jokes to most. But for someone as self-important as myself, misogynistic remarks like: Domestic, “Ambition to be his wife” and other such dejecting comments made me hate them, him and more greatly myself.

I have and will always put myself before everyone. And my life has no vacancies for pompous misogynists and other such bigots. Everyone is capable of great things, so am I. As much as I had thought that he was a good friend, my perspective changed when heard what he had to say about me and about women in general. I didn’t want to be associated with him  or any one like that anymore, I didn’t want the unsolicited comments nor did I want the surveillance of gossipy classmates.

So we stopped speaking ( rather I stopped speaking to him). Funnily enough,he started dating one our classmates. I was a bit miffed at first, I didn’t understand why…but I figured it’s good that he did that. At least, no more drama. I was me again. I found peace and he found a girlfriend. Thus, both of us got what we needed.

A happy ending indeed.

The Crush Diaries: Episode three

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Previously, on the series: The Crush Diaries: Back To The Future . Have fun reading!

Dear reader,

I want to tell you that I am not some boy-crazy bumblebee. But it could certainly come across that way, since my series is based on a list on my not-so-happening love life. I’m not whining, I really am not. I’m happy being this way. Just needed to clarify that. Now, moving on.

This is the story of a thirteen year old me.  I don’t fully understand if this was a crush or not, I mean I thought he was very attractive but I find almost everyone attractive. This was the year that I got separated from most of my friends. A new year with a bunch of unknown faces, the year I took up Sanskrit as my second language. An unfamiliar territory where all the cliques began formation, and I stood out like a sore needle. There were only two known faces, two friends whom I knew.

So, one of these friends was the ‘tik tok’ singer I previously mentioned, she’s still my friend. Let me tell you a bit more about her: she is a cool girl, somewhat similar to Cersei Lannister. On top having an engaging personality and a mention-worthy brain, she was also endowed with bucket loads of classical beauty. Obviously, she had a lot of admirers…admirers she didn’t admire back. One of them was a classmate, who had obsessive tendencies. Disturbing her, irritating her was the favourite pass time for him and his wolf pack ( troop of monkeys, idk).

One of them was the guy I found attractive. I thought that he was just a pretty boy, pleasing to my eyes. One day, my friend and this guy were engrossed in a high-speed sidewalk chase. My friend shot right past me and decided to use me as a shield. The boy stopped in his tracks, pondered for a minute. He had a bottle of water in his hands, and somehow he thought spilling its contents on me would be the appropriate thing to do. Because that is what sane people do.

This marked the beginning of my weird life encounters. I guess him throwing water on me made us buddies. Now we’d talk about common stuff, sometimes chat on facebook. Okay, you could say I may have developed a little bit of a crush on him. And I probably shouldn’t have got caught up in all of this. He already liked someone else, and it was never going to work out with me. People got wind of this, started teasing him and stuff.

Let’s just say, he hated every moment of it. Turns out he thought I was a repulsive creature, made a lot of colourful comparisons of me with muddy water and what not. Lied to my face when I asked him about it. Each humiliating comment he made, made its way back to me. And it did wonders for my self-esteem. This, on top of the pressure to do well in studies…bad class tests, rude teachers and miscommunication with friends, led to the first time I experienced depression. I felt alone and I vehemently started hating school and all of my classmates.

I felt like an outcast, I felt ashamed and I hated everyone who made me feel that way. And I changed, I was no longer the chirpy person I used to be. Some people say that I grew up and became a more serious person. Others say, that maybe I became a bit too serious; that maybe who I was changed drastically into someone much different.

It’s now that I realize that this has all benefited me in the long run, I’m a stronger person now. I don’t know why it bothered me so much. Yes, the words did hurt but maybe it was that I totally had this warped idea of him, and “Ugly” was all he thought of me.

But it’s okay. I’m fine now.

 

The Crush Diaries: Back To The Future

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Missed out on the previous post of the series? Here’s the link: The Crush Diaries: Episode Two

Let’s fast forward to the future.The present girl that I am doesn’t like having crushes. She thinks of them as a burden. And if people have a crush on her, she retaliates by cutting them out of her life. Why,you ask? Because I love my freedom more than anything else in the world. I love my solitude, love my me-time and I really love having no drama in my life. Sometimes, I see my friends crushing on people, getting into relationships etc. But I’m happy without any of it. I don’t need the PDA nor do I need to lose sleep over what he wrote and what cryptic thing it could have meant ( International Football is doing a good enough job of ruining my sleep).

Of course I still love romance and rom-coms. I ship so many people and I probably have more than fifty one-true-pairings. And to me the concept of “love” is still enchanting. So while I do have crushes,  they don’t bother me much anymore. I mean I still hate them because I’d rather not have any at all, but with the evolution of myself…I’ve learnt that I’m my best companion. And while no human is an island and social enrichment is just as necessary as personal, I’ll still choose spending time alone with myself over getting coffee with my crush.

I’ve realized after much confusing emotions, weird events (all will be revealed in time) that no other person has the ability to make me happier than I can make myself. I do need someone to look after me when I’m old, but we’ll see if I can get a way around it. I’m the only constant and I’m the only one I have to be affectionate towards, crushes and all are fun for about a minute but each moment of pining seems like eternal misery, misery I will be perfectly fine without.

Men will come and men will go and Valar Morghulis*. But I’m here to stay. So I’ll love me and choose myself, forever and always.


(*All men must die)

Love and Heartbreak.

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Love, something I’ve never experienced myself. A feeling which I’ve never felt first hand, I mean,of course I have loved my mother, a cat, a book or a memory lost in time but never another person. Crushes, I’ve had…the butterflies in my belly, blushing cheeks, dialated pupils, absent-minded giggles- I know what that feels like, but what lies beyond that initial attraction? is there a chance at love? Bombarding your mind with questions, wondering if he/she likes you back, dreading rejection, worse- The friendzone; great, another saga of unrequited love for you. Keeping all the negative aspects in mind, some bravehearts still tread upon the stony path of love, searching for the rose beyond the thorny pricks lining the way.

Hypothetically, what happens if you find love, you find someone who you love irrespective of their bad habits, off-putting traits, just because you like what makes them who they are. Can you love them for as long as you live? will they do the same for you? Ever noticed how the best love stories end at the peak of their love? Romeo and Juliet, The Fault in Our Stars,Me Before You…that’s because over time people change and love is not constant. Friendship, respect and partnership lasts, not love. Phenylethylamine a.k.a Love is a drug, towards which you build a tolerance and need greater quantities in order to trip.For a love story to be eternal and breathtaking, a tragic end in death is the only way the entire ordeal remains untainted by basic human nature. The only way the magic lasts.

The point I’m making is that love does happen but it doesn’t last. Pain,however, is a burden you have to carry every where you go and the scar of hurt etched in the back of your mind which burns on lonely nights is something I’m sure you will be better off without.So don’t wear your heart on a sleeve, be careful of who you choose to lay your soul bare for…treat yourself with the kindness you’re worthy of.