What About You?

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Hi there.

Been a while since I wrote. Well, the reason behind that is I have been busy participating in life ( a really futile task,to be honest). So in my last post I mentioned a dating experiment…well, scrap that. You know how you sometimes you try very hard and then you still get your heart broken because whatever you do is not enough? Or how the other person can just never provide you with the enough amount of attention or affection and you are left wondering if the other people he/she dated had no such demands. You keep on wondering if you are too high-maintenance or are you not normal? Well, I don’t know if it happens to you but for me, it is my dominant feeling.

What one needs to be happy, is to feel accepted. And what should one do when they can see the other person trying to change them to their convenience…you just let it happen? And how do you fight back or decide if this is something you want to resist against? What if the other person changes you so much that you do not even recognize yourself or know who you are? The most important question: What about YOU? Your needs?

Relationships are  a lot of work, in fact, too much work. Why spend so much time on something that may expire at any moment? One should rather work on oneself, gain knowledge, gather experience and enjoy the aesthetic pleasure of simplicities. Be selfish. Because that is the only way to ensure happiness, love yourself more than you love everyone else.

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What’s on my mind.

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When we think of ‘commitment phobia’, what do we assume? We assume a guy who doesn’t want to settle down with the girl he’s been dating for the last fifteen years. But is it possible that there is some other version of it? What about the plans we refuse to make, the plans that we make and hope someone cancels it so we don’t have to do the tricky job of calling it off.  What about the girl who is too nervous to put work into something that is not self-satisfaction based, the girl who only wants to live a hassle-free, organized-messy life with her time left all to herself. A person to who gets a metaphorical anxiety attack when she realizes that this is going to a lot of work. Is this a commitment phobic person?  I think, yes.

I, for one, am the girl who is so nervous about every little decision I make. I don’t second-guess myself, but I fear the outcome. For someone who wants nothing more than to be a success , expending time and energy of something that may/may not have a positive outcome seems like too big a leap of faith. Anxiety is over brimming my consciousness…but what can you do? You have to do what you promised to do.

All I hope for is that I do not end up with something stagnant and futile. Anxiety and commitment phobia…a little too heady an intoxication.

Freud For Rookies 

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Sigmund Freud, the Austrian psychiatrist (who thought heroin was a great medicinal drug) was the propounder of the Psychodynamic School of Thought. Psychology is a very creative and freakish subject which emphasizes on objectivity but it as a subject is totally subjective. It’s philosophical, scientific and so much more. 

His first theory was the structural theory of mind, you know…that Id, Ego and Superego thing? Fun fact: you know in movies or sitcoms when the protagonist has a moral dilemma and wonders if he should study or blow off school and play truant…and then the angel and the devil appear on his opposite shoulders ?  It’s actually the comic representation of the structural theory of Freud; where the guy is Ego, the angel is the Superego and Id is obviously the devil.

  1. Id is guided by the pleasure principal, so this part of the mind is basically a whiny child who screams and shouts till she gets what she wants. 
  2. Ego is the moderator /connector between the two extremes. The boy who wants to skip class and catch a movie but can’t because he knows he has to get into a good college.
  3. The Superego , the angel…the structure that is responsible for making us responsible. It’s because of our Superego that we can’t decide which restaurant to go to, which dress to wear or what to text back.

The next theory is the topographical theory of the mind. Three levels of the mind: Conscious , Subconscious and Unconscious. This is fairly well known throughout the techniverse, this and Maslow’s hierarchy.

The third and most interesting theory proposed by him is the Psychosexual theory. According to this theory, our childhood can be divided into five stages:

  1. Oral stage: the stage when we are about a year old. When we love putting things in our mouth. 
  2. Anal stage: from ages 1-3, this is the time of toilet training. This the period when we explore our feces. Yes, you read correctly. Apparently this feels good at that age.
  3. Phallic stage : ages 3-6, we have a weird unconscious desire to sexually conquer the parent of the opposite sex. Or the same sex incase of gay people, I don’t know because Freud didn’t know gay people back then. So incase you are attempting to conquer your mom, you start mimicking you dad…which seems adorable on the outside but is actually very creepy if you think about it. I guess, some people don’t go through this stage at, they turn out asexual.
  4. Latency: 6- adolescence , the age of cooties, same-sex mingling and herd mentality. The only period where a person is not doing something odd.
  5. Genital: 18-adulthood, the age of intimacy, sexual relations and other stuff that is marketed by the advertisements.

    Freud also gave us the concept of dream analysis but that’s just hocus-pocus for right now. The most hilariously flawed concept is of “Penis Envy” and “Phallic Rage”: according to this women hate men because they have a penis and women don’t…lol,right?

    So while Freud’s the awesomest psychologist ever, he was in someways  a weird dude.

    Inside the mind of an Overthinker

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    READ: Purely imaginary content, any similarity with any living person is unintentional.

    I’m looking at the last text I sent, it’s been an hour. Why hasn’t she replied yet? I text again, urging her to reply. Maybe she’s not seen the message yet, what if she did? Did I say something wrong at any point of our conversation? I scroll through, carefully scrutinizing each sentence, cringing at each typo. I’m trying to figure out what went wrong…the voice in my head tells me you’re overthinking but some part of me can’t stop worrying. What if she’s in trouble? I call her phone, her landline. Tring Tring : No answer. A bead of sweat breaks out, I check her social media…no statuses, no tweets.

    The voice in my mind scolds me. Tells me to stop this nonsensical behavior, she’ll call me back when she can. Another hour passes, I’m staring blankly at my phone. I can’t stop myself from thinking up the most awful scenarios. Soon, I drift into a disturbed slumber. The alarm wakes me up from that wakeful sleep…” Sorry, dozed off.” says my notification bar, she’s fine. I breathe a sigh of relief.


     

    Went to the mall with my family, my parents want me to buy clothes. There is this huge sale going on. We go to various stores, my parents look at the clothes…I see the price tag. I don’t want them to waste money on this. But no one wants me to speak…every time I utter something, my father shuts me off. My mother stands up for me. The breakout of another argument, the name-calling begins. They’re both trying to smite each other. I can’t handle the stress, my mind is overwhelmed. I want to crawl inside a hole and sun-bathe in the darkness. I want to be alone. My Voice and I begin another one of those conversations, both of us debating about if I should point out the flaw of logic in my father’s words. Each time he utters something, I take offence on my mother’s behalf.

    I want to help her but I can’t, that’d draw more attention. His masculinity doesn’t like backing down to a measly Eighteen year old. They quiet down, still poking each other by hypebolically describing each other’s shortcomings. I want to scream! the Voice has kept a clear record of every bad thing, and she plays it on a loop. I try to stop the thoughts but they don’t want to stop, the Voice is more powerful. Her emotions have more vehemence, she screams at me : ” Get a backbone! stop being such a victim. Fight back, push them! You have to.”

    I think of taking the usual escapist’s route and try to find a way to reach oblivion, trying to get rid of the stress, anxiety. I think of leaving, but I can’t…I think of all the bad things that can happen to me. At least I’m protected here, another place would be completely unknown and everything would be beyond my control. My Voice says to be selfish and to be brave, she goes on like this for a while. She realizes after some time that her words are falling on deaf ears, she back tracks and tries to soothe me. She says she’ll figure it out soon enough.


     

    A Lightening Storm.

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    A Sky covered ,from where the eye begins to see till the horizon, with an angry-looking accumulation of cumulonimbi ready to rain their wrath onto the puny land walkers below. They carry lightening rods forged by the Almighty Zeus and make loud rumbling sounds. To frighten the lot underneath their shadow into submission; to make them retreat behind the cover of their wooden doors and concrete roofs; to cower beneath shade and security like the pusillanimous wretches they truly are. Nothing compared to the mighty towers of the cumulus clouds. At least the clouds benefit the world and provide respite and water to those in dire distress; at least they can quench the thirst of the needy; at least they Give. Humans only take, they take apart and tear apart everything to satisfy their material pursuits. They would be struck by lightening, if the clouds had their way. They ought to be taught a lesson in a language understood by these parsimonious mortals, the linguistics of death, believe the clouds. But the clouds are wise and kind, they realize that the human race is a greedy infant ,still learning and trying to correct its mistakes. The clouds still hold hope for a better future, they still dream that maybe the prodigal son of Mother Earth will return and with him he’ll bring knowledge,love and respect for his entire family.