The Crush Diaries: Episode five

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Link to the previous post of the series: The Crush Diaries: Episode four. Hope you have a good time reading this!

The year: 2015. The place: classroom. The month: May. The final nail to the coffin which houses my love life. This was the year I was set to give my boards and graduate school. All I wanted was to get good marks and get into a great college. But I still hadn’t figured out what I wanted to study, I definitely didn’t want to deal with Physics. I liked Chemistry but not enough to pursue a career in it. Didn’t have the memory capacity to be a biologist with all that taxonomy and those animal classifications etc, so ditched that. Back then, I was still struggling with this and trying to choose a path for myself.

I didn’t want emotional problems, drama, any of it. The unwanted attention that I’d received, faded soon enough. It was okay now, and  I just wanted to concentrate on my work. But teenage emotions and hormones don’t care about your education. They’re just hell-bent on ruining your life for the sake of character development. May brought Mayhem in my life. I got a crush on a classmate of mine. And I didn’t want to do anything about it, I knew it would fade soon.

But one ( very unfortunate) day he texted me. I had a crush on him, he was texting me…I was sort of having fun. Out of the blue, he texted:” Can I ask you something?”, I had a feeling where this was headed but I ignored it. The chance of your crush crushing on you is nonexistent to may be 0.000001%. However, this was a 0.000001% event.

Yes, he said he “kinda” liked me (can I take a minute to whine about the fact that everybody only “kinda” likes me? why can’t they fully like me? An explanation would be great). And believe it or not, for the very first time, I said the words: “I like you too”. Oh the horror! can I please just go back in time and slap myself into not doing that.

He had asked me what were we going to do about it…I had said: nothing. But that didn’t happen, he over thought about this, freaked out. Three days later, I go to school…try to act normally just to be rebuffed into awkwardness. He had suddenly realized in a moment of clarity that this was mistake. It definitely was, got to give him a pat on the back for seeing that coming. But I just wish he’d not been weird about it and not made our friendship awkward. If we just stayed shut about our teenager-y feelings, we would probably still be friends.

I was obviously hurt. All those feelings from my past rose again, taunting me. Self-esteem hit an all new low. I felt rejected. And I did what I do when I need to vent…I wrote. Wrote poems about my feelings. The foolish outpour of hurt on a paper with ink and lead. This was the cherry on top of a frosty stress cake. Studies, emotional baggage, exams and now this.

The only good that came out of this was that my depression made me study harder ( I felt as if I had to prove myself). Another thing I learnt about myself was that my emotions clouds judgement. He was nothing like I thought he was, another one of those facetious frenimies. Another weed to my blooming flower. I still cringe and mentally hit myself whenever I think of him.

I just wish I’d never wasted energy, time and thoughts for a matter as stupid as this. I also regret writing poems about/for him (depends on perspective). Never write for anyone besides yourself, it’ll only make you hate yourself. Both of us learnt more about ourselves, I learnt I’m meant to be happily alone and he found someone who’s very awesome ( I hear, she likes him back). All in all, I’m happy.


Just one more post to go! Bye!

Love and Heartbreak.

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Love, something I’ve never experienced myself. A feeling which I’ve never felt first hand, I mean,of course I have loved my mother, a cat, a book or a memory lost in time but never another person. Crushes, I’ve had…the butterflies in my belly, blushing cheeks, dialated pupils, absent-minded giggles- I know what that feels like, but what lies beyond that initial attraction? is there a chance at love? Bombarding your mind with questions, wondering if he/she likes you back, dreading rejection, worse- The friendzone; great, another saga of unrequited love for you. Keeping all the negative aspects in mind, some bravehearts still tread upon the stony path of love, searching for the rose beyond the thorny pricks lining the way.

Hypothetically, what happens if you find love, you find someone who you love irrespective of their bad habits, off-putting traits, just because you like what makes them who they are. Can you love them for as long as you live? will they do the same for you? Ever noticed how the best love stories end at the peak of their love? Romeo and Juliet, The Fault in Our Stars,Me Before You…that’s because over time people change and love is not constant. Friendship, respect and partnership lasts, not love. Phenylethylamine a.k.a Love is a drug, towards which you build a tolerance and need greater quantities in order to trip.For a love story to be eternal and breathtaking, a tragic end in death is the only way the entire ordeal remains untainted by basic human nature. The only way the magic lasts.

The point I’m making is that love does happen but it doesn’t last. Pain,however, is a burden you have to carry every where you go and the scar of hurt etched in the back of your mind which burns on lonely nights is something I’m sure you will be better off without.So don’t wear your heart on a sleeve, be careful of who you choose to lay your soul bare for…treat yourself with the kindness you’re worthy of.