Chemistry

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She was metal,
He was gas.
Different but they belonged together.
Their love visible to none,
But once with each other,
Sparks flew and everyone knew.
Oxygen and Magnesium,
A love story that can never last.
His touch ignited her,
And then it turned her into dust.

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The Crush Diaries: The Conclusion

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Dear reader,

This is the concluding post. If you’ve missed out on the previous posts of The Crush Diaries, here are the links:My First CrushThe Crush Diaries: Episode Two,The Crush Diaries: Episode three,The Crush Diaries: Episode four,The Crush Diaries: Episode five and The Crush Diaries: Back To The Future. Have fun reading!

Okay, it’s time to say goodbye. To the emotional baggage, to the bad experiences and the humiliation. This is the last time I’m ever going to think about those memories, the people are gone and now, so will these memories. A friend said that whatever happens with us is the work of the universe, necessary to prevent the extinction and manage the stability of our species ( he’s Buddhist). And I see that he’s somewhat right, these events did have a major role in making me who I am now.

I learned to care about myself, I realized what I really wanted. You might be thinking what is the point of me writing all of this, the reason behind this venture is that I needed to bury those memories, burn those metaphorical photographs. This seemed like a good way to do it, I might beat myself up later for it…but it was necessary.

The four crushes that I had, taught me four things. The first crush taught me how to deal with infatuations, the second crush made me stronger ( what doesn’t kill you does make you stronger). The third crush gave me clarity about what I absolutely hate and made me want to prove myself, the fourth and final crush gave me misery and I wrote poems for the first time. He also taught me that all I really want is peace and success. So I’m grateful for whatever happened. And I hope all of them get what they deserve, good or bad…their actions will decide.

Lastly, I want to say: thank you reader! I really do appreciate it. And unfortunately if I do get more unrequited crushes, maybe I’ll let you in on that.

The Crush Diaries: Episode four

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Read the previous post about another ridiculous romantic failure of yours truly. Here’s the link: The Crush Diaries: Episode three.

If you’ve read the previous episode, you know that it ended horribly. And the after effects haunted me till about the age of fifteen, and the depression makes a cameo now and then. After that tempest like year ended, I acted slightly different. No, I was definitely different. I still didn’t fit in, but I cared less. I even made some friends in those years, however, most of them ( except a rare few) are no longer a part of my life.

One of my friends was a classmate, the boy with “obsessive tendencies” who had a massive crush on my friend. When the school year of ridicule ended and we entered 9th grade, a few of us from that class remained together even after the shuffling. I didn’t really like him back then, he was a good student and I never spoke to him if it wasn’t absolutely necessary. But since we  were familiar to each other, we started conversing. Turned out that he was a pretty nice guy, fun to talk to. The sad part was that he was best friends with The Master of Ridicule ( the boy from episode three). And every foul thing said about me, would soon be revealed to mock me in the most scornful manner possible.

This was also the time I was selected as a junior prefect and my bus mate was selected as the Sports Captain.  I started crushing on him and my friends made such a glorious spectacle out of it. How joyful it was to be teased this way  (not). That crush faded as well. Soon came the end of 10th grade, on the last day of school, out of nowhere I heard that the friend who had previously been crushing on my other friend…now had a crush on me?

I downplayed it and tried to neutralize situation, trying my best to restore the normalcy. I still have no clue what actually happened. During the school break – after the exams were over- one of his friends had a chat with me on Facebook. He asked me if I liked anyone, and I said I didn’t. Because I actually hated most of my school population. Both of them texted me one day, we spoke about Sherlock Holmes, Doctor Who and other stuff. At the end of our convo, he/his friend declared that he “kinda” liked me.

The beginning of eleventh standard, the hooliganism that was directed previously at my pretty friend was now directed at me. With this, came unwanted attention and scrutiny. Endless teasing and mockery. That didn’t really matter to me, as long as the friendship he and I had remained untainted. But that wasn’t meant to be, people started saying mean things about me, things which may seem like silly jokes to most. But for someone as self-important as myself, misogynistic remarks like: Domestic, “Ambition to be his wife” and other such dejecting comments made me hate them, him and more greatly myself.

I have and will always put myself before everyone. And my life has no vacancies for pompous misogynists and other such bigots. Everyone is capable of great things, so am I. As much as I had thought that he was a good friend, my perspective changed when heard what he had to say about me and about women in general. I didn’t want to be associated with him  or any one like that anymore, I didn’t want the unsolicited comments nor did I want the surveillance of gossipy classmates.

So we stopped speaking ( rather I stopped speaking to him). Funnily enough,he started dating one our classmates. I was a bit miffed at first, I didn’t understand why…but I figured it’s good that he did that. At least, no more drama. I was me again. I found peace and he found a girlfriend. Thus, both of us got what we needed.

A happy ending indeed.

The Crush Diaries: Episode three

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Previously, on the series: The Crush Diaries: Back To The Future . Have fun reading!

Dear reader,

I want to tell you that I am not some boy-crazy bumblebee. But it could certainly come across that way, since my series is based on a list on my not-so-happening love life. I’m not whining, I really am not. I’m happy being this way. Just needed to clarify that. Now, moving on.

This is the story of a thirteen year old me.  I don’t fully understand if this was a crush or not, I mean I thought he was very attractive but I find almost everyone attractive. This was the year that I got separated from most of my friends. A new year with a bunch of unknown faces, the year I took up Sanskrit as my second language. An unfamiliar territory where all the cliques began formation, and I stood out like a sore needle. There were only two known faces, two friends whom I knew.

So, one of these friends was the ‘tik tok’ singer I previously mentioned, she’s still my friend. Let me tell you a bit more about her: she is a cool girl, somewhat similar to Cersei Lannister. On top having an engaging personality and a mention-worthy brain, she was also endowed with bucket loads of classical beauty. Obviously, she had a lot of admirers…admirers she didn’t admire back. One of them was a classmate, who had obsessive tendencies. Disturbing her, irritating her was the favourite pass time for him and his wolf pack ( troop of monkeys, idk).

One of them was the guy I found attractive. I thought that he was just a pretty boy, pleasing to my eyes. One day, my friend and this guy were engrossed in a high-speed sidewalk chase. My friend shot right past me and decided to use me as a shield. The boy stopped in his tracks, pondered for a minute. He had a bottle of water in his hands, and somehow he thought spilling its contents on me would be the appropriate thing to do. Because that is what sane people do.

This marked the beginning of my weird life encounters. I guess him throwing water on me made us buddies. Now we’d talk about common stuff, sometimes chat on facebook. Okay, you could say I may have developed a little bit of a crush on him. And I probably shouldn’t have got caught up in all of this. He already liked someone else, and it was never going to work out with me. People got wind of this, started teasing him and stuff.

Let’s just say, he hated every moment of it. Turns out he thought I was a repulsive creature, made a lot of colourful comparisons of me with muddy water and what not. Lied to my face when I asked him about it. Each humiliating comment he made, made its way back to me. And it did wonders for my self-esteem. This, on top of the pressure to do well in studies…bad class tests, rude teachers and miscommunication with friends, led to the first time I experienced depression. I felt alone and I vehemently started hating school and all of my classmates.

I felt like an outcast, I felt ashamed and I hated everyone who made me feel that way. And I changed, I was no longer the chirpy person I used to be. Some people say that I grew up and became a more serious person. Others say, that maybe I became a bit too serious; that maybe who I was changed drastically into someone much different.

It’s now that I realize that this has all benefited me in the long run, I’m a stronger person now. I don’t know why it bothered me so much. Yes, the words did hurt but maybe it was that I totally had this warped idea of him, and “Ugly” was all he thought of me.

But it’s okay. I’m fine now.

 

The Crush Diaries: Back To The Future

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Missed out on the previous post of the series? Here’s the link: The Crush Diaries: Episode Two

Let’s fast forward to the future.The present girl that I am doesn’t like having crushes. She thinks of them as a burden. And if people have a crush on her, she retaliates by cutting them out of her life. Why,you ask? Because I love my freedom more than anything else in the world. I love my solitude, love my me-time and I really love having no drama in my life. Sometimes, I see my friends crushing on people, getting into relationships etc. But I’m happy without any of it. I don’t need the PDA nor do I need to lose sleep over what he wrote and what cryptic thing it could have meant ( International Football is doing a good enough job of ruining my sleep).

Of course I still love romance and rom-coms. I ship so many people and I probably have more than fifty one-true-pairings. And to me the concept of “love” is still enchanting. So while I do have crushes,  they don’t bother me much anymore. I mean I still hate them because I’d rather not have any at all, but with the evolution of myself…I’ve learnt that I’m my best companion. And while no human is an island and social enrichment is just as necessary as personal, I’ll still choose spending time alone with myself over getting coffee with my crush.

I’ve realized after much confusing emotions, weird events (all will be revealed in time) that no other person has the ability to make me happier than I can make myself. I do need someone to look after me when I’m old, but we’ll see if I can get a way around it. I’m the only constant and I’m the only one I have to be affectionate towards, crushes and all are fun for about a minute but each moment of pining seems like eternal misery, misery I will be perfectly fine without.

Men will come and men will go and Valar Morghulis*. But I’m here to stay. So I’ll love me and choose myself, forever and always.


(*All men must die)

The Crush Diaries: Episode Two

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Okay,so if you haven’t read my previous post for this series…no worries! Here’s the link: My First Crush

I was a bit apprehensive about creating this series because it’s basically a mockery of my ‘love life’…not that I have one. So you have a clue as to where this is heading,but I hope you have fun reading this.

Now, let’s begin with the storytelling. The first real crush that I had was a boy at my school, he was two years older than me, and he and I had the same school bus. At that time, I was fairly innocent which is very odd considering that I was surrounded by ten to thirteen year-olds who thought “f@#k” was the most sophisticated word ever. Yeah, I traveled with such dim-wits, but obviously some people were nice to hang with, he was one of them. Sort of.

When I was younger, I generally did not register human emotions for humans. The only feelings I felt were for fictional beings and animals. He spoke to me and my friend, and a lot of the girls on the bus had a crush on him. Like I said, I didn’t catch feels back then…so I definitely wasn’t one of them. I would see them gushing over him, blushing if he looked their way, doodling his name behind notebooks or I’d see them busy reading up on their zodiac compatibility. I found this very weird, but I realized to fit in with the better half of the crowd I’d have to ignore this oddness.

My friend and I would talk about crazy things like bougainvillias, books and she’d often entertain us all with her rendition of Kesha’s ‘tik tok’. Both of them were neighbours. This one time, she and I were playing badminton near her home and we saw him stare at us and run away. What a laugh that had been. A year later, he became a prefect. That too, of my class. His good-looking friend and he would come to our class everyday to dutifully do prefect stuff ( which was mainly preventing students from going to the loo after the second bell, a marvelous job indeed).

My girlfriends and I were chatterboxes, yapping on about the most nonsensical topics was a routine activity. Obviously, as one would expect…I was a buzzkill and a stupid do-gooder who would try to get her friends to stop talking to save ourselves from punishment. But one fine afternoon, when everybody ignored my pleas…we were punished. His friend, the Ken doll look-alike punished us for gossiping and urged us with the inspirational phrase, ” Control your emotions…”

Suddenly, he came over to our place and did something nobody expected! He asked me to sit down, while the rest of my friends got punished. I thought that since I was the one who spoke the least, my sentence was the shortest. But from that incident onwards, my friends believed that he had a crush on me, which seemed like a peculiar notion to me.

This rumour went on for quite a while, died down and then was resurrected again when it was me who developed a crush on him. This was when I was fifteen, and I was the prefect this turn around and he was the Sports Captain. And this sucked so much, you see…he and I both left the bus, time passed and we became strangers ( also, puberty hit and I got ugly). Sometimes, I’d stalk him on Facebook but I’d never send him a friend request. It seemed like a bad idea and I felt queasy about it.

Soon enough, the infatuation faded and I moved on. A tale of unrequitance or something like that. A weird story, with a boring ending. Well actually, one of many stories.

My First Crush

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We’ve all had crushes. I hate having crushes, it’s like this junk that’s taking up more brain space than it should. This wasn’t the case when I had developed a crush for the first time. My first crush was a boy who loved video games, computers and music. He was about four years older than me. We went to different schools and he loved playing the Keyboard. He even had a band. I knew his sister, she was very cool and we had similar minds.

He obviously had no idea that I existed, I mean how would he…we never actually spoke. I had this one friend who also had crush on him and they would email each other. And we’d laugh over their convos. I grew up with these people, I had a lot in common with them. You probably think I’m a stalker for knowing so much about him, but how could I not? He was, after all, one of my favourite fictional characters ever.

Yes, I’m talking about a fictional character…a guy called Michael Moscovitz. He created a robot arm which would perform bypass surgery and through a fateful turn of events, he saved the Genovian Princess and her father from losing control over their country. The modern prince charming, yes, That is Michael from Meg Cabot’s best-selling series: The Princess Diaries. Ten books of a series that have helped me go through all the bullshit of life, books that still give me happiness and laughter with each page.

I grew up with Mia and Lily. How great is it to be Bffs with a Princess and a TV-show host, I mean, can you imagine? I loved how I was a part of their lives and they were a part of mine, how both Mia and I started crushing on Michael. And though it was a bit irksome to watch my friend get the guy, I wouldn’t have it any other way ( LOL.)