READ: Purely imaginary content, any similarity with any living person is unintentional.
I’m looking at the last text I sent, it’s been an hour. Why hasn’t she replied yet? I text again, urging her to reply. Maybe she’s not seen the message yet, what if she did? Did I say something wrong at any point of our conversation? I scroll through, carefully scrutinizing each sentence, cringing at each typo. I’m trying to figure out what went wrong…the voice in my head tells me you’re overthinking but some part of me can’t stop worrying. What if she’s in trouble? I call her phone, her landline. Tring Tring : No answer. A bead of sweat breaks out, I check her social media…no statuses, no tweets.
The voice in my mind scolds me. Tells me to stop this nonsensical behavior, she’ll call me back when she can. Another hour passes, I’m staring blankly at my phone. I can’t stop myself from thinking up the most awful scenarios. Soon, I drift into a disturbed slumber. The alarm wakes me up from that wakeful sleep…” Sorry, dozed off.” says my notification bar, she’s fine. I breathe a sigh of relief.
Went to the mall with my family, my parents want me to buy clothes. There is this huge sale going on. We go to various stores, my parents look at the clothes…I see the price tag. I don’t want them to waste money on this. But no one wants me to speak…every time I utter something, my father shuts me off. My mother stands up for me. The breakout of another argument, the name-calling begins. They’re both trying to smite each other. I can’t handle the stress, my mind is overwhelmed. I want to crawl inside a hole and sun-bathe in the darkness. I want to be alone. My Voice and I begin another one of those conversations, both of us debating about if I should point out the flaw of logic in my father’s words. Each time he utters something, I take offence on my mother’s behalf.
I want to help her but I can’t, that’d draw more attention. His masculinity doesn’t like backing down to a measly Eighteen year old. They quiet down, still poking each other by hypebolically describing each other’s shortcomings. I want to scream! the Voice has kept a clear record of every bad thing, and she plays it on a loop. I try to stop the thoughts but they don’t want to stop, the Voice is more powerful. Her emotions have more vehemence, she screams at me : ” Get a backbone! stop being such a victim. Fight back, push them! You have to.”
I think of taking the usual escapist’s route and try to find a way to reach oblivion, trying to get rid of the stress, anxiety. I think of leaving, but I can’t…I think of all the bad things that can happen to me. At least I’m protected here, another place would be completely unknown and everything would be beyond my control. My Voice says to be selfish and to be brave, she goes on like this for a while. She realizes after some time that her words are falling on deaf ears, she back tracks and tries to soothe me. She says she’ll figure it out soon enough.